After the bombing of Pearl harbor, more military came to the state of Hawaii. This affected our state in a big way. The military isn't just a bunch of people taking our lands, even though people may have that perspective. Those people may not know it but the military help our economy in many ways.
Since so much of the military come to Hawaii, sales in businesses go up. Local stores and warehouses receive more than $1.5 billion paid in wages due to military personal spending. The more people of the military that come here, the more customers will be coming.
The military also helps the economy because a lot of them have families that they bring along. More families equal to more spending which will bring more customers to the stores and that can help Hawaii's economy very easily.
With the military living on our islands, it creates opportunities for more job openings. The military opens around 18,000 jobs in the state. This is a positive for our economy because it will bring a lot more business to Hawaii. Since there are so many families coming to the islands, our state provides them housing, which take a lot of our land. But, despite the land usage, it makes the military families feel much more comfortable living in a different state and they will be willing to keep staying here and that will help our economy.
Tati, I liked how you based you own opinion upon your topic of the essay. You did a really good job in detailing your subject with key informations and supported facts! One thing that I do think you should consider is making your essay a little longer by adding in a 5th paragraph or even adding in a couple more sentences in your paragraphs. Maybe describing some of opinions other hawaiians have against the military, or even showing of another military family's perspective. Although overall, I thought your essay was acceptable mainly because you knew what you were talking about and also supported it with real information about the Modern day and it's faces with this conflict. Keep up the Good Work :D
ReplyDelete-Angelica Faylogna <333
Hey tati,
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job on explaining your subtopic. I liked how you explained why & how the military helped Hawaii's economy. What i prefer is that you should try to lengthen your paragraphs w/ more details about it. Other than that, your research essay is fine.
Good Job ! (:
-Sziezel Pascua
Hi Tatiana,
ReplyDeleteI am not sure what was revised since the impromptu. This needed to be the next draft so that you could move more successfully to the final essay.
Angelica, some of your suggestions are good (like adding in opinions of Hawaiians about the military), but avoid recommending that someone make their essay "a little longer." You need to give the reason for more content, not just length.
Sziezel: your commentary needs to be more detailed. Don't ask a writer to "lengthen your paragraphs" without telling them *specifically* what type of detail they should add.
mrs s