I took a step outside, the wind swiftly brushed my hair and brought a chill down my back. Karina picked me up and we were on our way to the church. "Your so quiet, everything alright?" she asked me. "Y-Yeah I'm fine, I just don't know what to expect", I answered her with a shaky voice. We slowly pulled up to the church and my heart gradually started to beat faster and faster.
I walked into the room and sat in the third row, third seat, right next to my friends. Closing my eyes and bowing my head, We opened up in prayer. It was a long 10 minute session. I knew I had to have an open heart to what we were going to be taught throughout this whole conference.
As the lessons were being taught, the butterflies in my stomach were starting to go away. Some of the points that were said brought me back to the past and I finally had the chance to let it all go and not let it hold me back from having a happier life and my walk with Jesus Christ. I thought about how I was treating my parents with disrespect, not having a humble heart, not being the christian that I should be.
The conference was over and I walked out, just as they said, A NEW PERSON, a new woman of God. A load of weight just lifted off of my shoulders. The purity in my heart was visible to others. "You are just glowing today tati! God bless you!", "There's something different about you that I'm liking", "Keep up your relationship with HIM, the man upstairs, and you will be blessed" were the things people were saying to me. I thought to myself "they are talking about ME!?!? wow!"
I got home and I ran straight to my parents and hugged them. "I love you mom and dad! thank you for everything you have done for me! i appreciate it all!", I said to them. I could tell they were proud of me and from that day on, I think of my daily situations and problems in a whole new way, with a whole new heart!
Hello Tati,
ReplyDeleteZ here, you have put a great job into the essay! It looks good - There seems to be sentence fluency, but you can increase it - the paragraphs are easy to read and understand, and are different, each with it's own structure. On Word Choice, you do bring a lot of detail into the sentences, using appropriate words and terms to describe your feel, but I recommend you use complicated, more descriptive words, to enhance your view and idea. Voice, on the other hand, looks very, Very much like you and how you would be in the situation. Just add a little more structure to your writing to make it even better!
- Z
Tati your essay was really good, i liked how you talk about what you did and how you change when you got older. Also you had some good transitions.
ReplyDeleteHi Tati,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your essay; your narrative contains a beginning that sets up the experience, a middle, and the end that shows your change.
For your revision, concentrate on that middle part. Right now, it's mostly explanation. You need to show what happened at the conference, along with your responses, rather than telling about how you changed. Then, the dialog and action at the end will be more convincing :)
mrs s